Yesterday was the third anniversary of my hysterectomy and the removal of my uterus. My entry into Early Menopause was nearly two and a half years ago. I am now 35 and we will have been married for four years next week. What a difference a few years makes! I am finally on the right combination of HRT (and thyroid medication) for my body and have just begun to lose the weight and fluid that I gained as a result of being sick. This has taken much research, many doctor’s visits and medication trials. I don’t miss my periods at all or the irrationality and unpredictability my hormones delivered prior to my surgeries. So physically things continue to improve at a rapid rate. I don’t ever really remember ‘having my health’ before – what a gift!
Emotionally, things have also improved. Being in Early Menopause has never really bothered me. The loss of choice about having a baby naturally and living in a parenting world remained the hard part for me. I don’t think about being infertile much anymore and the intense grief has subsided. That is not to say that a pregnancy announcement, listening to people talk about their children or ask if I am a Mum doesn’t trigger it sometimes. I maintain that you learn to live with the loss. I can’t stand the word closure. I have moved on but it will always be a part of me. I don’t want to close it off! I will never be able to give birth to a baby. I’m different, my life is different and my body is different now too. I won’t be the woman I was before and I don’t want to be. I have grown so much and I suppose that I now have a freeing acceptance of my new reality. This has had a huge impact on my life and ability to change and move forward. It has taken awhile and a lot of hard work to get to this point. Surrounding myself with people who got it has continued to really help. Making good decisions for myself, exploring new options and at times removing myself from situations has been an important part of my healing.
Recently, I joined a new social group. The only membership requirement is that you are not allowed to be a parent, by choice or circumstance, it doesn’t matter! Before this, I had been feeling quite isolated in my peer group as many of them are raising young families of their own. It’s lovely to be part of a group of women for whom there is an element of equal footing immediately where I am defined just as me! Partners attend some events too – sometimes I forget that my husband is also in the same boat socially when it comes to being a dad the traditional way. For a long time, I felt that I was letting us down because I couldn’t have a baby and my husband is still fertile. I realised he loves me for more than my girly bits and he never, ever made me feel different or that I was inadequate. He has just continued to support me 110%. I have learnt much about unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness from him.
I still don’t know if, when or how I will be a Mum. For me, that’s okay. Everyone experiencing the journey of Early Menopause and associated infertility is different. There’s no right or wrong. There are certainly ups and downs and it takes continued commitment for me to manage these moments. My husband and I continue to love and embrace each other and what we have. There is a lovely freedom in that too! We know that regardless of whether or not we become parents or if our family grows beyond the two of us that we can still have a fulfilling and happy life together. I am also learning that there are many ways to nurture others in a non traditional sense of parenting. Hosting an exchange student is a dream we have for the future!
So for me and us, things have gotten better since my diagnosis of Early Menopause and associated infertility. The process of grief and change that pursued was like being thrown around and around inside a washing machine that was so intense I couldn’t catch my breath. I feel like I have now been thrown out the other side, the spinning and turbulence has stopped. The sun is shining. When the reminders and flickers of grief do surface or I daydream about what we would have named our child, whether it would have been a boy or a girl or if our baby would have been blessed with my husband’s eyes and smile, I take a deep breath and now know that this too shall pass.
I hope that in your own journey of healing you are surrounded by the love and support of understanding family and friends, a wonderful doctor/s and hope for your future, whatever it may bring.
Tanya